somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
