Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
So apparently I’m into choking now
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