I just made out with a guy for $7.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
this hospital has no fireball
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
