So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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