i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
