when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
