oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
