I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
