I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
