I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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