My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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