My liver just broke up with me...
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
