I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
