i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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