I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
