her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
