I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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