Whoa Z and x make the same sound
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
