Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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