Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
