I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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