i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
