So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
