She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
