So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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