I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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