you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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