You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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