I think i peed on brittanys purse
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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