Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
