nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Farmville is her only friend.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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