I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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