I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
