I'm eating all of the evidence.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
