im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
