a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
