So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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