I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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