There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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