i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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