you turned your livingroom into a bong?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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