just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
