The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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