so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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