Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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