My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
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