I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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