i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
