Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
