Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
