dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
