That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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